You think you can handle this review? You think you are entitled to this review?
Son, we live in a world with movies and those movies have to be reviewed by someone. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Kevin Pollack?
Bret and Erin have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for About Schmidt and you curse Bret for a 2.5 Star review. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what Bret knows. That About Schmidt, while a decent film, was at best a 2.5 Star movie. And Bret’s review, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, was right. You don’t want the truth about About Schmidt because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you know it was a 2.5 Star film and you needed Bret to review if for you.
In their reviews, Bret and Erin use words like “stars,” “cinematography,” “lighting.” They use these words as the backbone of their reviews. You use them as a punchline.
Fortunately, they have the time and the inclination to explain themselves to the audience that rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very reviews they provide and then question the number of stars they have provided.
They would rather you just said “thank you,” and searched for “cat playing keyboard” on Google, otherwise they suggest you pick up a camcorder and start posting. Either way, they don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to.
P.S. Bret and Erin both gave A Few Good Men 4 Stars and feel terribly about it. All they did was weaken a country with this review.