Monthly Archives: March 2012

Atonement (Erin: 3.25 Stars, Bret: 3 Stars)

FINALLY, a movie about the perils of letter writing.

If Atonement were re-made in a contemporary setting, it would be a Facebook post and no one would have thought twice about it, but before the ink had even dried on poor James McAvoy’s letter, he was doomed.

When they no longer teach handwriting in elementary school, we can all point this movie as the reason why.

The story of one man’s quest to stop letter delivery gets a 3.25 Star review from Erin and 3 Stars from Bret.

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Armageddon (Erin: 3 Stars, Bret: 3.5 Stars)

We don’t want you to close your eyes. We don’t want you to fall asleep, cause you’d miss our review and we don’t want you to miss a thing.

Following on the heels of the ultra-realistic Apollo 13, we get another realistic space adventure.

Armageddon is a pure popcorn flick, which isn’t a bad thing by any stretch. Not to steal quotes from other movies, but even the disc smells like pure testosterone, so it comes as no surprise that Erin’s 3 Star grade was a notch lower than Bret’s 3.5 Star review.

Although, will someone or something kill A.J.? Please? The movie should have been called A.J.’s Space Day Off with him jumping over stuff in slow motion at the end… ohhhhhhh yeahhhhhhh.

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Apollo 13 (Erin: 5 Stars, Bret: 5 Stars)

Houston, we have our first 5 Star review.

Apollo 13… the movie that taught us how to fit a square peg in a round hole, rapidly; how to get a space return module to operate on less energy than it takes to run a coffee machine; how to look at Gary Sinese without thinking about how terrifying it would be to have a face-to-face conversation with him; and, of course, how to look like a total badass while wearing a feminine vest. At which Bret failed miserably (thanks, Ed Harris!)

The film is damn near pitch perfect. With the notable exception of how Bill Paxton contracted space plague, the only other question we have is “ARE WE ON VOX?!”

In all seriousness no matter how much we glowed about the film in the review, there is no chance we gave it the proper amount of credit. Gets VERY dusty at Rock Manor toward the end.

Not watching this review (or this movie) is not an option.

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Any Given Sunday (Erin: 1.5 Stars, Bret: 3 Stars)

Allow us to save you one hour and fifty minutes by posting just the Al Pacino speech at the end, which gets 10 Stars from Bret (NSFW language):

Any Given Sunday, a good film in theory, but a poor one in execution, gets 1.5 Stars from Erin and 3 Stars from Bret.

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Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (Erin: 4.5 Stars, Bret: 4.5 Stars)

Ladies and gentlemen… can we please have your attention. We’ve just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. We need you all to stop what you are doing and listen: ANCHORMAN!

A favorite at Rock Manor, Bret and Erin often spend days at a time speaking in quotes from this film to one another.

Provided you are not in a glass case of emotions, you are cordially invited to watch the review… feel free to toss your favorite quote in the comments section!

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy nets a solid 4.5 Star review from both Bret and Erin.

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Analyze This (Erin: 2.75 Stars, Bret: 3 Stars)

So far, the only movie whose title made demands of us.

In Analyze This, Billy Crystal does Billy Crystal things, Robert DeNiro does Robert DeNiro things and the credits roll.

Reflecting on it, Bret regrets giving it 3 Stars (same as Almost Heroes), but stick around as Erin violates the sanctity of the project by introducing .25 Stars.

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Almost Heroes (Erin: 1 Star, Bret: 3 Stars)

Picture, if you will, combining the slapstick, physical humor of Chris Farley with the dry wit of a young-ish Matthew Perry. Who among us would not drink from that sweet nectar? Pour that over a funny premise (the “other” group that tried to make it all the way to the Pacific ocean and beat Lewis and Clark) and tell us who would refuse those bold flavors.

Well, Erin, for one.

Call it the review that almost ended a marriage. On the bright side, Erin only metaphorically danced on the grave of Chris Farley with a 1 Star review for Almost Heroes. Three Stars from Bret.

Try this quote on for size:

Pratt: Permission to check on the condition of my woman, sir? I wanna check on her bandages and see if she can keep some food down.
Edwards: You are aware, of course, that this woman of yours is made of straw?
Pratt: Oh, yes, sir. Figure that’s why she burned so easy.

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Aladdin (Erin: 4 Stars, Bret: 4 Stars)

If we had three wishes, the first would be for untold wealth (sorry, World Peace); the second would be Robin Williams’ freedom from any and all magic lamps; and the third would be for you to enjoy this review.

Part concert, part movie review, all it took was Aladdin to bring out Erin’s inner Disney Princess. Not unlike a small child, actually.

Besides, who wouldn’t love a children’s movie with seductive lyrics like “don’t you dare close your eyes” and “hold your breath it gets better”?

Four stars from both Bret and Erin.

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Air Force One (Erin: 2.5 Stars, Bret: 3 Stars)

Loosely based on a true story — in that the President has a plane and that plane is called Air Force One — Air Force One is our next film. Erin nitpicked the film to the point that we had to formally apologize to Harrison Ford. Three Stars from Bret, 2.5 Stars from Erin.

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A Few Good Men (Erin: 4 Stars, Bret: 4 Stars)

You think you can handle this review? You think you are entitled to this review?

Son, we live in a world with movies and those movies have to be reviewed by someone. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Kevin Pollack?

Bret and Erin have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for About Schmidt and you curse Bret for a 2.5 Star review. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what Bret knows. That About Schmidt, while a decent film, was at best a 2.5 Star movie. And Bret’s review, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, was right. You don’t want the truth about About Schmidt because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you know it was a 2.5 Star film and you needed Bret to review if for you.

In their reviews, Bret and Erin use words like “stars,” “cinematography,” “lighting.” They use these words as the backbone of their reviews. You use them as a punchline.

Fortunately, they have the time and the inclination to explain themselves to the audience that rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very reviews they provide and then question the number of stars they have provided.

They would rather you just said “thank you,” and searched for “cat playing keyboard” on Google, otherwise they suggest you pick up a camcorder and start posting. Either way, they don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

P.S. Bret and Erin both gave A Few Good Men 4 Stars and feel terribly about it. All they did was weaken a country with this review.

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