Tag Archives: Erin 3 Stars

Crimson Tide (Erin: 3 Stars, Bret: 4 Stars)

With Gene Hackman as a crusty, old-guard submarine captain and Denzel Washington as Denzel Washington with a fancy uniform, Crimson Tide tells the story of two men who are absolute in their belief that they are right in a game where the stakes couldn’t be higher — a potential nuclear war.

Through Bret’s eyes, Crimson Tide is a well-made, superbly acted thriller that demonstrates the consequences when two very different schools of thought collide, putting the world on the brink of a nuclear holocaust. To Erin, it’s just two assholes acting like children on a boat.

Oh. Well, then.

Oh. Well, then.

Directed by the late Tony Scott, Crimson Tide deftly illustrates the perils of having two different leaders with drastically different philosophies who refuse to peacefully coexist. While most movies would have found the two eventually putting aside their differences for the greater good, Crimson Tide avoids falling into that cliche with an ultimately fitting line; “you were both right and you were both wrong.”

As Lieutenant Commander Hunter, Denzel Washington puts on one of his Denzeliest performances. You really won’t know where Denzel ends and where Denzel begins. As an aside, is it considered method acting if you always play every character the same way as if you are just being yourself? In all actuality, he is quite good in the role, displaying effective chemistry with a strong supporting cast (Viggo Mortensen with a sweet flat-top haircut, James Gandolfini as a complete war-mongering d-bag and George Dzundza as the conflicted Chief of the Boat) as well as with Hackman, who really is the star of the show.

Seen here eschewing his patented “four passes before any nuclear missile launch” strategy in favor of a more aggressive approach.

In the end, Crimson Tide is a solid film with good performances that isn’t overly reliant on action, but rather on a conflict without a perfect resolution. Or it’s two assholes on a boat acting like children.

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The Bourne Supremacy (Erin: 3 Stars, Bret: 3.5 Stars)

When he asks for a security deposit, just hand it over; it’s for the best.

When last we left Jason Bourne, he had hung up his ninja skills to retreat to a peaceful life of operating a scooter rental service in a tropical paradise with a lady that kind of looks like a guy.

His story continues in The Bourne Supremacy, the second installment of the Bourne series which — SPOILER ALERT — involves some kicking.

The Bourne Supremacy, of course, narrowly beating out other potential nonsensical titles like:

  • The Bourne Absorbency (too dry)
  • The Bourne Complacency (too meh)
  • The Bourne Infancy (too pre-quelly)
  • The Bourne Meteorology (too weathery)
  • The Bourne Intimacy (too creepy)
  • The Bourne Corpulency (too fat)
  • The Bourne Endocrinology (too medical)
  • The Bourne Insolvency (too sad)
  • The Bourne Oceanography (too wet)
  • The Bourne Psuedopregnancy (too weird)
  • The Bourne Supersecrecy (too perfect)
  • The Bourne Immunodeficiency (too ill)

The crazy part? That’s a video, they are just moving too fast for the human eye to perceive it.

The movie was not as good, in our opinions, as its predecessor, but if you like watching fight scenes that move so fast you’ll have no idea who was hitting whom, this is the movie for you. Still a high-quality flick which received 3 Stars from Erin and 3.5 Stars from Bret.

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Beverly Hills Cop (Erin: 3 Stars, Bret: 3.5 Stars)

How can you beat a quality action flick with a wise-cracking Eddie Murphy in his prime and the primary villain being an upper-class, white, art gallery owner? You add some Judge Reinhold and just a pinch of Bronson Pinchot, that’s how. Erin gives Beverly Hills Cop 3 Stars on her first-ever viewing, with Bret giving it just 3.5 Stars. He’d probably like a do-over on that one.

And now, an open letter to Eddie Murphy from the RockMovieProject:

Dear Eddie,

Please come back to us, we miss you. Not to go all “Chris Farley Show” on you, but remember that time you made decent movies? For adults? That didn’t involve you dressing up in a fat suit and playing 25 characters?

It’s probably hard for anyone under the age of 20 to believe, but there was a time when you were one of the biggest superstars on the planet. Stand-up, Saturday Night Live, movies; everything you touched seemed to turn to gold.   What happened?

The last movie you starred in that has a Rotten Tomatoes score above 50 was Bowfinger. In 1999. Thirteen years ago! And even that movie wasn’t that good.

Your most recent movie — A Thousand Words — scored a zero. Zero! Only four other movies have ever scored a zero. Jack and Jill scored a three and that movie is a cinematic abortion.

In fact, your IMDB page is so horrifying we’re thinking of projecting it on the side of the house for Halloween next year.

You probably aren’t into taking tips from a quasi-popular movie review blog, but in the off-chance you are, here are a few:

Damn, we just gave him an idea, didn’t we?

  • If you are pitched a movie where “a crew of miniature aliens operate a spaceship that has a human form” or “in the future, a man struggles to keep his lunar nightclub out of the hands of the mafia” or “a single father must journey into his refrigerator and team up with a bottle of ketchup to rescue his son and daughter from an rogue jar of mayonnaise” just say NO. We only made one of those up and our guess is that if you had heard it before, you probably would have starred in it already.
  • Should you feel the need to play more than one character in a movie, turn it down. The days of Coming to America with five different, equally funny Eddie Murphy characters are well behind us, unfortunately. 
  • Stop playing “Donkey.” In 10 of your last 21 roles you played the Donkey from Shrek. Knock it off. You literally are making an ass out of yourself.
  • Start making movies for adults again. You got an Oscar nomination for Dreamgirls and even that Tower Heist movie received some decent reviews. Quit pandering to our youth, Eddie, and start pandering to the rest of us that loved Beverly Hills Cop and Trading Places.

In short, we need you to go back to being “Eddie Murphy, Superstar,” not “Eddie Murphy, Male Lead in Every Goofy Child’s Movie That Even Adam Sandler Has the Good Sense to Turn Down.”

Sincerely,

The Rocks

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Becoming Jane (Erin: 3 Stars, Bret: 2.5 Stars)

Fixed!

If you watch just one film this year that covers the romantic life of a pre-fame Jane Austen in excruciating detail, make it Becoming Jane.

Early in the review, Bret declares the two-hour long sojourn into the life and times of Miss Austen to be pointless, prompting Erin to launch into the Vagina Monologues or something, but, in the end, she admits the best thing this movie has going for it is that “James McAvoy is adorable.”

Despite a strong supporting cast (Maggie Smith might literally believe herself to live in 18th century England at this point), two good leads and a scene with two guys inexplicably stripping nude to frolic in a pond with one another, Becoming Jane received just 3 Stars from Erin and 2.5 from Bret.

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Batman (Erin: 3 Stars, Bret: 4 Stars, Kyle: 4 Stars)

Holy special guest star, Batman!

Bret’s brother, and the Official Batman Correspondent for the RockMovieProject, Kyle Rock joins us as we review Tim Burton’s Batman — or as it is known in some circles, Jack Nicholson Presents: A Prince Dance Party.

Kyle is the ideal Batman Correspondent for a number of reasons, not the least of which being that he has danced with the devil in the pale moon light.

As such, he is well-equipped to help us answer important questions like:

  • Where does Michael Keaton rank in the “I am Batman” pantheon?
  • When are we, exactly?
  • More alive currently, Jack Nicholson or Heath Ledger?
  • The architecture of Gotham — too depressing for words?

We also lose audio with Kyle at the end, resulting in the use crude sign language in order to document our scores, but eventually Batman receives a 3 Star review from the ever-stingy Erin and 4 Stars from both Bret and Kyle.

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Armageddon (Erin: 3 Stars, Bret: 3.5 Stars)

We don’t want you to close your eyes. We don’t want you to fall asleep, cause you’d miss our review and we don’t want you to miss a thing.

Following on the heels of the ultra-realistic Apollo 13, we get another realistic space adventure.

Armageddon is a pure popcorn flick, which isn’t a bad thing by any stretch. Not to steal quotes from other movies, but even the disc smells like pure testosterone, so it comes as no surprise that Erin’s 3 Star grade was a notch lower than Bret’s 3.5 Star review.

Although, will someone or something kill A.J.? Please? The movie should have been called A.J.’s Space Day Off with him jumping over stuff in slow motion at the end… ohhhhhhh yeahhhhhhh.

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*61 (Erin: 3 Stars, Bret: 3.5 Stars)

The first and only review so far with technical difficulties! Led to us doing two parts. Erin dug the story of 61* more than she thought she would, but was critical of the HBO production. Three stars from her and 3.5 from Bret.

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8 Mile (Erin: 3 Stars, Bret: 3 Stars)

Both of us give Eminem’s film debut, 8 Mile, 3 stars, but are much harsher (and terrified of) the city of Detroit.

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