Tag Archives: Kevin Bacon

Crazy, Stupid, Love (Erin: 3.5 Stars, Bret: 3 Stars)

To the best of Bret’s knowledge, the whole plot of Crazy, Stupid, Love is predicated on Julianne Moore cheating on Steve Carell with Kevin Bacon, then divorcing Carell, who, with the help of Ryan Gosling, beds multiple women, all the while pining for Julianne Moore. And somewhere in all of that, Ryan Gosling takes his shirt off, assuring female movie-goers will ignore the lunacy in the previous sentence, thus making this film an ungodly amount of money.

Problem solved!

In all seriousness, it’s a relatively fun and inoffensive romantic comedy/drama that has a few legitimate laugh-out-loud moments. Carell and Gosling do most of the heavy lifting, but, in the end, it’s a reasonably enjoyable film.

Provided you can get by Julianne Moore’s performance, that is.

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Apollo 13 (Erin: 5 Stars, Bret: 5 Stars)

Houston, we have our first 5 Star review.

Apollo 13… the movie that taught us how to fit a square peg in a round hole, rapidly; how to get a space return module to operate on less energy than it takes to run a coffee machine; how to look at Gary Sinese without thinking about how terrifying it would be to have a face-to-face conversation with him; and, of course, how to look like a total badass while wearing a feminine vest. At which Bret failed miserably (thanks, Ed Harris!)

The film is damn near pitch perfect. With the notable exception of how Bill Paxton contracted space plague, the only other question we have is “ARE WE ON VOX?!”

In all seriousness no matter how much we glowed about the film in the review, there is no chance we gave it the proper amount of credit. Gets VERY dusty at Rock Manor toward the end.

Not watching this review (or this movie) is not an option.

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A Few Good Men (Erin: 4 Stars, Bret: 4 Stars)

You think you can handle this review? You think you are entitled to this review?

Son, we live in a world with movies and those movies have to be reviewed by someone. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Kevin Pollack?

Bret and Erin have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for About Schmidt and you curse Bret for a 2.5 Star review. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what Bret knows. That About Schmidt, while a decent film, was at best a 2.5 Star movie. And Bret’s review, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, was right. You don’t want the truth about About Schmidt because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you know it was a 2.5 Star film and you needed Bret to review if for you.

In their reviews, Bret and Erin use words like “stars,” “cinematography,” “lighting.” They use these words as the backbone of their reviews. You use them as a punchline.

Fortunately, they have the time and the inclination to explain themselves to the audience that rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very reviews they provide and then question the number of stars they have provided.

They would rather you just said “thank you,” and searched for “cat playing keyboard” on Google, otherwise they suggest you pick up a camcorder and start posting. Either way, they don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

P.S. Bret and Erin both gave A Few Good Men 4 Stars and feel terribly about it. All they did was weaken a country with this review.

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